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Human Flesh/Transcript
Part 1 (Scene starts off with a determined Bob, who is looking at people walking down the streets. He then turns around.) Bob: 'Listen, pep talk. Big day today. It's our grand re-re-reopening. ''(Camera cuts to outside.) ''It's Labor Day weekend, and it looks like Wonder Wharf is getting mobbed, ''(Cuts back inside.) so we have-- [[Linda|'''Linda]]: ''(interrupting him) Big day for another reason too! '''Bob: '''Linda, I'm in the middle of my pep talk. '''Linda: '''Go ahead, sorry, go ahead. Do your pep. '''Bob: '''So we have to sell some burgers. ''(fart sound) Every year, this weekend (fart sound) ''makes or breaks us. Who's farting? [[Louise|'Louise']]': It's Gene's sound effects thing. 'Bob: '''I thought that made you sound like a robot. '''Gene: '''It does ''(through the megaphone) ''robot voice, laser sound, ''(sound effect) and fart noise. (fart sound) '''Bob: ''(sighs) Oh, god... Listen, your mother and I have to go downstairs and grind the meat. But, you kids know where you're supposed to be while we're gone, right? Tina, you're on the grill. '''Tina: '''My crotch is itchy. '''Gene and Louise: '(disgusted) ''Oh! '''Bob: '''Okay...are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook? '''Tina: '''Um...as... '''Bob: '''Because my grill cook would never tell me that. '''Tina: '''Oh. '''Bob: '''Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her. Tell your Mom. '''Tina: '(to Linda) My crotch is itchy. Linda: 'Come here. Let me see. ''(Linda, Gene, and Louise are gather around Tina.) '''Bob: '''Linda, not now. '''Louise: '''No, let's all see it. '''Bob: '''No! '''Tina: I'm just not sure if I'll be any good on the grill with just one free hand. (scratches his crotch.) Bob: ''(pause) Okay, I'm just gonna keep moving here. Louise, you work on the counter. And put your little step stool back here. But do not alter anything on the chalkboard. '''Louise: '''But what if I think of something better? Which would be almost impossible not to do. '''Bob: '''You will not think of something better, because "New Bacon-ings" is perfect. It's hilarious! Right? ''(pause) ''You know what? I'm taking the chalk. '''Louise: '(shows the chalk to Gene which was behind her back.) (whispers) ''Like I don't have chalk. '''Bob: '(grabs the plate of sliders from the counter.) Gene, you're outside; nicely offering people a free sample, alright? Gene: 'I'm on it! ''(takes the sliders but stops.) 'Bob: '''But people coming out of the crematorium next door? People obviously mourning? '''Gene: '''Yeah? '''Bob: '''Don't offer them samples. '''Gene: '''Dad, when I'm in character out there, I get in a zone! I can't keep track of who's in mourning and who isn't. '''Bob: '''Just ''(sighs) ''anyone with an urn? '''Gene: '''Yeah? '''Bob: '''Leave them alone! I know you think it's the Gene show out there, but there is a line between entertaining and annoying. '''Gene: '''No, that's a myth! ''(makes a couple of laser and fart sound with his megaphone) '''Bob: ''(sighs) Alright, listen. You're my children and I love you. But, you're all terrible at what you do here. ''(as he says this, the kids begin to frown.) And I feel like I should tell you, I'd fired all of you if I could. Linda: ''(stern) Bob. '''Bob: '''Alright, hands in. ''(they all put their hands in the center) ''No, Tina. Don't put your hand in. '''Tina: '(takes her hand away) ''What...? '''Bob: '''Alright, sell some burgers! '''All: '(flatly) Sell some...burgers. (Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. An old woman crying walks out of the crematorium with her grandparents. Camera pans to the right where Gene is selling out free samples.) Gene: 'Bob's Burgers! ''(robot voice) ''Free samples. ''(laser sound) ''Come and get it. ''(fart sound) (Gene meets up with the old woman with her grandparents. He does a fart sound in front of her face. It made her so upset that she flipped the plate of sliders onto the floor.) (Scene cuts to the basement where Bob and Linda are grinding the meat.) '''Bob: '''I don't like leaving the kids alone up there for this long. Something bad's gonna happen. '''Linda: ''(on edge) Bob, they're fine! Please I asked you a question. '''Bob: '''Yes, what was the question? '''Linda: '''You remember our wedding night? '''Bob: '''Yes, we work, cause we couldn't afford not to. I remember. Uh, you know, you're grinding too fast. Slow down. '''Linda: '(starting to get mad) ''What was the date? '''Bob: '''The date? '''Linda: '''Yes, the date of our wedding! '''Bob: '''I don't know... ''(realizes) ''Oh, crap. Is it today? '''Linda: '(stops grinding) ''Yes, Bob! '''Bob: '(overlapping) ''Today's our anniversary, okay. '''Linda: '(overlapping) ''Yes! It is! '''Bob: '''I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry. I'm not-I'm not god with dates. You know that. ''(Flashback #1) Bob: 'Today's your birthday? '''Linda: '''Yes, Bob! ''(Flashback #2) 'Bob: '''Today's my birthday? '''Linda: '''Yes, Bob! ''(Flashback #3) 'Bob: '''Your due date was today? '''Linda: '''Yes, Bob! '''Bob: '''How'd it go? '''Linda: '''How did you think it-- Good, it went very well. '''Bob: '''That's...good. Boy or girl? ''(End of flashbacks. Linda begins to walk out of the basement.) 'Bob: '''Where are you going? '''Linda: '''I'm done! '''Bob: '''I said I'm sorry. '''Linda: '''Bob, I'm done! '''Bob: '''Linda, come back. We need to finish grinding the...hamburger. ''(Cut back outside. Gene is picking up the sliders from the floor that the old lady flipped from before.) '''Woman: ''(walking by) Oh, my God! Gross. '''Gene: '''Thank you. ''(continues to sell samples) (robot voice) ''Free samples. ''(two men in ties walk up to Gene) Man: 'Hey, you can't give out these samples. You just dropped them on the ground. '''Gene: '''Shh! What are you? The "Dropping Food on the Ground" police? '''Man: '''Yes. '''Gene: '''Oh. They have that? '''Man: '''Yes. I'm the health inspector. ''(as he says that, Gene interrupts him by making a fart sound through the megaphone) '''Gene: '''The what? '''Man: ''(Gene holds the megaphone to his mouth, robot voice) Health inspector. Ugh! '''Gene: '''What? '''Man: '(holds up his badge) ''Health inspector! The burger joints natural enemy. ''(Camera zooms in on his badge. Scene cuts to the inside of the restaurant. Louise notices the two men in ties. She hops and walks up to them.) Louise: 'Hello! Welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the Child Molester. It comes with candy. Get it? '''Health Inspector: '''Yes. '''Man in mustache: '''No. '''Louise: '''Cause sometimes they use candy to lure their victims? '''Health Inspector: '''Yes, we get it. '''Man in mustache: '''Oh! ''(chuckles) 'Health Inspector: '''Is this your parents place? '''Louise: '''Yes. They're down in the basement grinding the meat right now. '''Health Inspector: '''Uh-huh? '''Louise: '''That's not a euphemism. They're really grinding the meat. '''Health Inspector: '''Show us the kitchen, please. ''(Cut to basement) '''Linda: '''I'm just saying it's easy to remember; our anniversary. It's September 3rd. 9/3. Nine is divisible by three. '''Bob: ''(laughs)'' What? That's not...well, a lot of numbers are divisible by three. Linda: '''Don't argue with me. '''Bob: Alright! You're right, nine is divisible by three. And now I'll remember. Linda: ''(gasps) Oh, my God! Are you messing with me? '''Bob: '''What? What are you...? No. '''Linda: '''You are. '''Bob: '''I... '''Linda: '''You are! '''Bob: '''Lin, I forgot. I am sorry. I said I'm sorry, and I'm gonna make it up to you. '''Linda: '''I can see you smiling! '''Bob: '''I'm not smiling. '''Linda: '''You're smiling with your eyes! What is it? '''Bob: '''What are you doing? '''Linda: '''A party? '''Bob: '''Why are you doing this? '''Linda: '''Is it a party upstairs?! '''Bob: '''No. Linda, can you please just finish this? I gotta get back up there. '''Linda: '''To get everything ready for the party! '''Bob: 'No! ''To get everything ready for lunch in our restaurant. The one we're trying to save, remember? '''Linda: '''Go ahead, go. Call me to come up when it's all ready. ''(turns around) I'll like, surprise, like this. (turns back to Bob and gasps) ''Ahh! '''Bob: '(chuckles) That's... Linda: 'Ohh! I almost had a heart attack...! '''Bob: '''That's scared. That's not surprised. '''Linda: '''Aaaaaaaaah! '''Bob: '''That's like you hurt yourself. '''Linda: '''Ooooooo....aaah! '''Bob: '''That's good. ''(Cut to the kitchen. Louise shows the man in the mustache a carton of milk.) '''Louise: '''Smell this. Doesn't it smell like strawberries? '''Man in mustache: ''(takes the milk and smells it) Ugh! '''Louise: '''Gotcha! It's spoiled milk, dummy. ''(Camera pans right to Tina and the health inspector) Tina: 'So, you're the health inspector? '''Health Inspector: '''Yes. '''Tina: ''Cause I think I have some kind of rash or something. 'Health Inspector: '''I'm not that kind of health inspector. ''(writes in his notebook) ''Rashy...grill...cook. ''(toilet flushes) '''Gene: ''(enters, long pause) You have no idea what I've just been through. Do I have any toilet paper stuck to my buns? ''(makes a fart sound with his megaphone) Health Inspector: ''(enraged) Where are the grown-ups?! ''(door opens and closes) ''Aha! You must be Bob. '''Bob: '''Uh, who are you? '''Health Inspector: '''We're from the health inspectors office. I'm Hugo, this is my partner Ron. '''Ron: '''I don't have a badge yet. I just started. ''(Gene makes a fart sound with his megaphone) Bob: 'Gimme that! ''(Gene hands it to Bob.) '''Hugo: '''Bob, this is my violation's notebook. I just filled it! It took five minutes in your kitchen. '''Bob: ''(sarcastic) Uh, that sounds bad. '''Hugo: '''It's a record. ''(The kids all cheer) Bob: '''Shut up. '''Hugo: '''Not to mention child labor law violations. Public decency violations! '''Bob: '''Public decency violations? What are you-what are you talking about? '''Hugo: '''The Child Molester? I thought this was a family restaurant. '''Bob: '''Uh, what's the Child Molester? '''Louise: '''It's the burger of the day. '''Bob: '''No, it's not. '''Louise: '''For a limited-time only. Till you came back upstairs. '''Bob: '''Did someone actually order this? '''Gene: '''Yeah. '''Bob: '''Who? '''Gene: '''Him. (points to a guy on the counter with messed-up hair at the front) 'Bob: '''Hmm. He looks like a child molester. Louise don't serve him; let Gene bring it. '''Hugo: '''Uh, Bob? '''Gene: '''Why do I have to get molested? '''Bob: '''Because he's not gonna molest you. '''Gene: '''Why? '''Bob: '''Because you're heavy. '''Hugo: '''Bob. '''Bob: '''Yeah, hold on. '''Gene: '''Heavy kids can get molested. '''Louise: '''Yeah, who wouldn't wanna molest this face? ''(squeezes his chin) 'Gene: '''Urrgh! '''Bob: '''That's enough. '''Hugo: '''Bob? '''Bob: '''It's not that. I mean...Gene 'cause you're older. '''Gene: '''Tina's the oldest. Make her do it. '''Bob: '''Yeah, but, Tina's not good with the customers. '''Hugo: '''Bob. '''Tina: '''I'm good with the customers. '''Gene: '''Mmm...not really. '''Tina: '''I'm great with the customers. '''Gene: '''Mmm... '''Louise: '''She's autistic. She can't help it. '''Tina: '''Yeah, I'm autistic. ''(Gene walks away) '''Hugo: '''Bob. '''Bob: '''Just a sec. No, you're not autistic, Tina. '''Gene: '''How many-how many toothpicks on the ground? '''Bob: '''Don't play this game again. '''Gene: '''Come on. Look, how many toothpicks? '''Bob: '''No, it just involves me cleaning up toothpicks. '''Tina: '''A hundred? '''Hugo: '''Bob. '''Gene: '''No. '''Bob: ''(surprised) A hundred?! '''Gene: '''It's three. '''Bob: '''There's three! '''Gene: '(drops another toothpick) ''Okay, how many now? '''Hugo: '''Bob! '''Tina: '''Three. '''Bob and Gene: '''No. '''Louise: '''Ugh. You're the worst kind of autistic. '''Gene: '''He can't even count. '''Hugo: '(getting mad) ''Bob! You wanna know why we're here? Because I'll tell you it's not for a routine inspection. '''Bob: '''It's not? '''Hugo: '''No. We're investigating a very disturbing rumor. There's a rumor you make your burgers with human remains from the crematorium next door! ''(Camera zooms in Bob's shocked face with a horror sting in the background) Bob: 'Hmm, I wonder how a rumor like that get started. ''(Flashback: At school, Louise is showing the students a burger to show and tell.) 'Louise: '''It's made with human remains from the crematorium next door. ''(The students and the teacher gasp in horror as Louise eats the burger. Flashback ends) 'Louise: '''Who knows? Kids eat crazy stuff. '''Hugo: '''Here's what's gonna happen. We'll test your meat. If it contains human flesh anything above the 4% allowable by the FDA, then your restaurant will be closed, and you sir will be going to jail! (door opens)'' '''Linda: '''Oh, a party for me! ''(Camera cuts to Linda with her eyes covered. She takes away her hands and frowns.) ''Oh... Hugo? '''Hugo: '''Linda? '''Linda: '''What are you doing here? '''Hugo: '''I'm the health inspector. I just transferred here. '''Linda: ''(gasps in shock)'' Hugo: 'What are ''you ''doing here? '''Linda: '''This is our restaurant. We own it. '''Hugo: '''You're married to him? '''Bob: '''How do you two know each other? '''Hugo: '''I thought you ran off with Bob the hot shot restaurateur. '''Linda: '''I did! ''(The fire lights up on the grill.) '''Bob: ''(sigh)'' Oh, God. Hugo: ''(laughs) You did! '''Gene: '''I'm on it. ''(grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire) Hugo: 'Yeah, I don't think so! ''(puts it out again) 'Hugo: '''I can't belie-- ''(pwssh!) ''I can't-- ''(pwssh!) ''I-- ''(psh!) ''I can't believe you left me for him. '''Bob: '''You left someone for me? '''Hugo: '''Oh! He doesn't even know?! '''Linda: '''We were...we were briefly engaged. ''(They all gasp in terror. The same horror sting plays again in the background while the camera quickly zooms in on Bob, Ron, and Louise.) '''Hugo: '''I still remember the day I heard you were getting married. ''(realizes) ''Oh, my God! Is today your anniversary?! '''Linda: '''Yes! How do you remember that? '''Hugo: '''It's 9/3. Nine is divisible by three. 'Bob: '''That doesn't make sense! A lot of numbers are divisible by three! ''(Ron hands Hugo a poster and rolls it out.) 'Hugo: '''Well, happy anniversary. ''(Camera zooms in on the poster. The picture on the bottom shows a dead man between two buns, and on the top it says: This premises is under investigation. FOOD MAY CONTAIN HUMAN FLESH) 'Linda: '''Human flesh?! '''Bob: '''Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is one of our biggest weekends. You can't put that up. Nobody will eat here! '''Hugo: '''Prominently displayed. '''Bob: '''Well, then just do your test, pal. Because it's beef. '''Hugo: '''Sorry. The lab's closed till Monday. You'll get your test results then. Consider yourself health inspected! ''(Camera zooms in on the poster again. The scene cuts to a crowd looking at it. A woman screams and runs away.) 'Old Woman: '''I'd try it. There's no wait. ''(End of Part 1) '''Part 2 (Scene cuts to Bob who is standing by the front of the restaurant carrying Gene onto his shoulders. A pedestrian is about to come inside. They both cover the poster so that he doesn't see it.) Bob: 'Hello, how are ya? Come in and have a burger. '''Gene: '''A perfectly normal burger. '''Bob: '''Best burger in town. ''(Another pedestrian sees the poster and screams. Cut to inside.) 'Linda: '''Did your father say anything about an anniversary present? '''Tina and Louise: '''No. '''Linda: '''Nothing? Like, maybe hiding a necklace in a hamburger, or hiding some earrings down the drain, or something romantic like that? '''Louise: '''That's romantic? '''Linda and Tina: '''Yeah. '''Louise: '''Did you check the toilet or in the garbage? '''Linda: '''Ah... '''Bob: '''Gene, get off! ''(Cuts back to outside.) ''You're choking me! ''(Gene is hanging from Bob's back, making it hard to get him back upright.) ''You're choking me! ''(Two more pedestrians look at the sign, and one of them screams. Cuts back to inside.) '''Tina: '''So, is Hugo going to put Dad in jail because you dumped him? '''Linda: '''No, Hugo is going to put your father in jail because your sister told her class that we serve human flesh. ''(to Louise.) ''Now, why would you do something like that, honey? Why? '''Louise: '''I'll tell you why, Mom! Anida (???)'s uncle is a matador in Spain. She was showing everybody his cape. I had to up the anty and what do I have to show for show and tell? I've got nothing, Mom! '''Linda: ''(overlapping) ''Oh, uh, calm-- '''Louise: '''There's nothing here to show! '''Linda: '''Louise! '''Louise: '''What?! '' '' Category:Transcripts